“One must recognize the holes in their life so that they will recognize the Holy One.”
The last month I have been on a path of recognizing some holes in my life – some are moth sized holes and others are craters. A lot of introspective thinking has been taking place! The last two days the above phrase has been rolling in my mind – I am not sure if it is something I heard from another human or something that the Lord has been working in me. The statement has been a resounding gong in my mind as I consider some areas that I have be apathetic about, as a way of being transparent those main areas are; my walk with Christ, my marriage and my physical body. I am not necessarily proud to write it down but I am feeling like if I don’t I will continue to “fake it until I make it” or “bluff my way through life”.
The hard truth is that I have been in a place for some time of “pretending”. I know Christ, I have a relationship with him but I have not been seeking his will above my own. I have been carrying him in my back pocket and take him out in conversations when appropriate. This has caused the other areas in my life to become unintentional as a result. I cannot claim to have a vibrant walk with God when other areas in my life are dying off as a result of all the faking.
A quick story to further my point here – I have been realizing these areas in my life, the above three mentioned and I have been knowing for a few weeks that they were areas that needed my attention. This week the bright flashing light on those areas have gone from attention grabbers to flat out neon signs that I am feeling others are going to start noticing if I did not actually put some feet to. Wednesday night I made the conscious decision to put an alarm on my phone for a 5:40am wake up. As I was setting the alarm in my mind I was already giving my 5:40am self excuses – “It is a trial run… to see if you can get up” “You don’t need to go to the gym, you just need to get up and walk around the house” “You can get up, get a drink of water and get right back in bed”. I was preparing myself to fail or give excuses and lessen the need. Thursday morning when my alarm went off at 5:40am I contemplated all of the excuses that I had stored in my brain the night before! Instead of using those excuses I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and got in the car and drove to the gym. Last night as the clock struck 8:05 and I was longingly thinking about my warm bed and was trying to keep my eyes open I gave myself brand new excuses to use for this morning. At 5:40am when the alarm went off I got up, got dressed, brushed my teeth and went to the gym. While at the gym there were three friends there, all three of them stopped and made a point to congratulate me on being at the gym. They don’t know about this mental battle that has been waging, their words were reminders to me that I need a community!
All that to be said; I am going to battle for my relationship with Christ, I am going to battle for my marriage and I am going to battle for me. I feel kind of silly saying the word “battle” I am not a fighter by nature – I am a self taught passivist! I do not like conflict, I am one to keep my mouth shut – or if I do open my mouth in a confrontation it is usually in sarcasm. I have jokingly said that if sarcasm was a spiritual gift than I am royalty. However, God is revealing to me that my sarcasm is a form of protection, a way of not showing vulnerability and in doing so I am actually not being my true self in him. I am his child, I am made in his image – yes there are flaws because I am a sinner, but in shutting down and throwing out sarcasm I am not feeling and being true to who he has made me – as if that is not good enough. I am needing to spend some time being okay with who I am! I am someone who feels deeply and for quiet some time it has been easier to brush off comments with sarcasm rather than sit with the emotions that have bubbled beneath the surface. Through what I am sure is going to be a long journey of sitting with God I am confident that I can shine because of what he is doing in me.